keithrt.substack: Preparing for launch

Adding the finishing touches to my substack, excited for the journey..

… who am I?

I have explored this question in many different ways at different times over the course of my 30-plus years - the angsty teen, scratching song lyrics into the inside cover of my poetry book, a terrified and deeply insecure young adult with a people-pleasing complex that was wallowing in self doubt, resentment and anger ultimately resulting in massive burnout.

I engaged in self-sabotage by neglecting my own needs and desires. I felt unworthy of them, so I shunned them.

Six years ago in London I hit the lowest I’d ever been, self esteem in tatters and zero confidence I anything I had ever done or could do. I was let go from my dream job, bound beneath the covers of my single bed in my small flat. I sipped on cans of larger, many more dotted around me and spilled on the floor. My duvet stained and singed with cigarette burns.

I began to delete everything that had any trace of me, all of my online socials, in the first step in the process of erasing myself.

Fortunately, due to the concern and persistent phone calls from a family member back home, they managed to see through my façade of “I’m fine” texts and “smiley emojis” and get me to confess to my isolation, pain and disconnect from everything I was. I was pulled from the rut and moved back home to begin the path of healing and recovery.

Today, I am attempting to overcome my fears and self doubt and express myself. I have created this space to explore my past depressive state, unpack it as best I can and ponder how a complete lack of self care and mindfulness allowed me to sink so low.

…and why do I write these days?

To ground myself and remain mindful. If I boil that question down to the simplest answer I could give I think that would be it. In my journey I’ve become aware that even the smallest, seemly throwaway thoughts can permeate and stick if they are not caught, considered and filed away responsibly under the lens of careful introspection - writing daily, for me, is the perfect way to do this.

… what will I explore?

I have moved my personal scribbles (and rambles, sometimes, if I’m honest) out of the pages of my journal onto this online space. My depression has manifested in all sorts of ways and here I will explore and dissect how it influenced my path through life, the people it tore away and the ones it brought closer, how it destroyed but shaped me as I grasped my way along the dark, narrow tunnel.

I welcome you to subscribe for free to receive a weekly newsletter straight to your inbox so you can keep up to date with my content. More information on what to expect below:

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Articles/Essays/Opinion Pieces

• Posted on Sundays - (Weekly for paid subscribers / Biweekly for free - All content is currently free!)

• Musings on my past, present and future and the grip depression had on me in every event. I will explore how I adapted to various elements of Irish culture and how it reacted to my isolation and anxiety - from 90s kid and good catholic boy, to the quiet lad in secondary school, I'd like to explore how I was then and what I've learned since.

• I am also curious to explore wider societies relationship with mental health, particularly in the digital space. Social media has amplified our voices within society and I intend to take a humorous yet insightful look at why we must sometimes yell and spew venom to get the mic and shout loudest.

• Is there any place for mindfulness, pause and consideration in order to center ourselves and speak honestly yet kindly into the squabbling mass of voices. How can we remain calm, assertive and unscathed if the lashings of anger snap towards us. Can we actively listen and understand those that may present in anger, but come in good faith. Do we care what these anonymous voices think, or is it better to explore how and why they may think it.

• I strive to be honest, authentic and raw. Warts and all but kind and reflective.

Journal Entries

• Coming soon (Posting schedule TBC) - Weekly for paid subscribers / Biweekly for free - All content is currently free!

• 15 years ago I walked into a bookshop in Dundalk, Co. Louth and purchased a fresh, A5 notepad that was intended as a study aid to assist in my repeat exams for College…. it did not. Instead, as I write “As the nib of my pen hovered over that crisp, A5 sheet of paper and my eyes scanned a page with an eloquent, articulate quote that I didn’t understand my brain jammed and the voice boomed YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH… So that is what I wrote. Over and over. In as many colourful, inventive, destructive ways as I could think of. and It felt good.. soothing, like I was kicking the shit out of my stupid, dumbass brain. As the repeat exams loomed and I continued to ignore the mounting study, the fear set in and I opened the notepad once more and the voice whispered in my ear as I scribbled - You’re. Not. Good. Enough.”

• My notepad stayed with me for 15 years and sits tattered on my lap as I type today. It came with me through my travels and my relocation for a better life in London. It captured my best and my very worst. I want to sit down with my “past self” and explore a different entry every week, to see if I can give him advice, or learn something I might have even forgotten… Time to reopen The S.Y.L.O files.

Join the crew

I would like to cultivate an audience of inquisitive, creative people who have perhaps been scarred by their own battles with mental health. Make no mistake, this is not a place to come to wallow and berate oneself. It is rather a place to read and write experiences and ponderings on how we have learned and grown through the trauma. What steps we took and how we are attempting to ground ourselves in the world and face it as a flawed yet grateful human being.

I aim to view my experiences and thoughts through a lens of humor and careful introspection. I am one who wishes to learn, discuss but mostly evolve and I invite feedback, dialogue and consideration on all I post.

Help & Support

While we aim to talk about mental health, we can only explore and discuss our own experiences. We are not in any position to advise or diagnosis those who are in crisis. If you are suffering, please reach out to a trained professional:

• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA): 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

• Samaritans (UK): 116 123

• Samaritans (Ireland) - Freephone: 116 123 (24/7)

• Aware (Ireland) - Freephone: 1800 80 48 48 (10am to 10pm every day)

• Lifeline (Australia): 13 11 14

• Beyond Blue (Australia): 1300 22 4636

• Crisis Text Line (USA): Text HOME to 741741

• The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ youth crisis support, USA): 1-866-488-7386

• Trans Lifeline (USA): 1-877-565-8860

• HopeLine (India): +91-9350-992-200

• Centre for Suicide Prevention (Canada): 1-833-456-4566

• Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868

Please note that this is not an exhaustive list and there may be other services available in your region. If you're in crisis, please don't hesitate to reach out to a local emergency service or seek help from a mental health professional.